The Myth of Closure

A strongly worded, sometimes stated as if it’s a fact, but I promise it’s just my opinion piece (:

I have a theory you see, one that I’ve been screaming about for years, ever since my heart was first broken by my first ever boyfriend. I remember sitting with my girlfriends who were as just inexperienced as me in matters of love but were convinced that I needed closure. Honestly it was the first time I’d ever heard of such thing and by the way they were describing it, this “closure” sounded like the remedy to my poor bruised ego.
I needed to send that last text/ throw away that last gift/ delete that last picture; then and ONLY then would I be over it, it seemed to make a lot of sense but of-course it didn’t pan out that way and to cut a long story short after a few painful months and awkward “accidental” run-ins with me exclaiming “oh wow I didn’t know you’d be here” when bumping into him at his local pub which was MILES from my house, I got over it and I moved on. There was (now) unsurprisingly no closure, no final act or lightbulb moment so to speak. I just worked through it and got over it. Eventually.

awkward hi
Actual footage of Yinka waving at her ex from across the bar loool

Now I do believe in feeling the NEED for closure. How amazing would it be for an action or a conversation to be the magical solution to being heartbroken or feeling rejected by someone? It would be good right? Almost too good to be true me thinks! My mates get super annoyed at me because I’m constantly dispelling the myth of getting under someone to get over someone *rolls eyes*ย I had to talk a friend out of keying her exes car because she thought it would help her get over him & trying to explain to a friend that if he hasn’t answered the first 21 calls it probably isn’t 22nd time lucky! Is a little exhausting sometimes but thats what friends are for right?

I’m not sure how it was back in the day but when my romantic life started we already had the internet and we already had Facebook which is when we began. Sharing. Everything. So when it comes to pre-2009 I can only reference everyones favourite show: Friends: Do you remember the one where Rachel is on a date drunk and she calls Ross and leaves an excruciating voicemail on his machine? And she is all like “…that my friend is closure”?

closure
But was it Rachel?

I think a few of us have found ourselves there drunk calling/ texting/ DMing/ I even know someone who breaks out the email after a few red wines but the real clincher in this episode (which happens to be one of my faves after “PIVOT!”) is that the “closure” Rachel thought she got, the flip of the switch she needed to get over Ross and their entire relationship, wasn’t a switch at all. They ended up making it in the end.pivot

Question: have you ever gotten all dressed up cos your girls told you that you needed a good night out after a break up but you just ended up feeling rubbish? That could be because it takes time to get over someone as opposed to a *CLICK*
A click isn’t going to do it. And it really is ok if you don’t get over someone instantly. I am not sure if it really takes half the time you were in the relationship to get over the relationship (word to Charlotte on that one) but taking some time is ok, isn’t it?
One of my mates purges by taking an evening to delete the guy she was dating from her social media while listening to RnB and occasionally crying, then thats it. He doesn’t exist anymore, but she is also the one who runs away when she sees her ex in public.

charlotte.gif
Charlotte may have had a point

On a real; your ex is SO available ALL of the time now. We have gone from a potential run in a few months down the line when you’re not looking your best to being able to endlessly scroll through their new relationship and the bae-cation they took in June (why did he never take me on holiday?!) The chance of closure becomes thinner and thinner with the more apps we have to check in and see what our exes are up to! Blocking works I guess but then you’re hurt bae and no one wants their ex to know they are soooo affected that they hit the block button, do they? Also we want our exes to know we’re doing so so so so so goo goo goo goo goo good! Right? (Damn right!)

We have to face it; times have changed, the Sugar-Tax is real, Uber is no longer cheapย  and when you break up with someone it is harder and harder to pretend they don’t exist. My ex was all over my explore page for the first few months and I was convinced instagram was taunting me!instgram.gif
I think that in this world of fast EVERYTHING, where you can get Amazon deliveries in an hour and 1000 likes in a minute; it (unfortunately) doesn’t include getting over someone. In fact I’d go as far to say that it has made it worse, everybody being so visible means that it takes longer to get them out of your system. Our emotions aren’t developing at the same rate technology is, perhaps that’s because we aren’t machines or Uber eats. We are as sensitive as we have always been, if not more and being so able to check up on our exes simply means it can take longer to get over them.

Moral of the story? I know it SEEMS like everyone is moving at a super-sonic-speed-of-light pace but I’m not and I suspect that no-one else is either but we do a good job of making it look that way don’t we? #Filter!
It takes time to learn the lessons of heartbreak so don’t feel bad if burning your exes belongings in a bin in the back garden doesn’t make you feel quite as warm as fuzzy as everyone convinced you it would. Singed eyebrows and a potential fine from the fire brigade? Yes. Suddenly no longer caring? Probably not. But it’s ok. it happens to all of us (not the burning of someone else belongings, the needing time to heal)


Also sorry for the unrelated featured image I didn’t have any pics and really wanted to get this post out while it was fresh in my brain loooool
Yinka x

15 thoughts on “The Myth of Closure

  1. Yeah she is leaving 2018 with a BANG
    Great funny, thought-provoking read Miss Bokinni looking forward to more in the new year, happy holidays!

  2. Loved loved loved THAT sneaky DC reference! I think youre right as well, of course not everyone is plugged in or online but those of us that are need to remember we arent as fast as our wifis!
    Great post yinka well done

  3. I like the random picture! It shows that youโ€™re not bothered by the way you look really and just want to share your thoughts

  4. Nah this is actually so good! I think none of us want to be a Charlotte or Rachel but we all are don’t you think?
    I lost count of the amount of rituals me and my girlies have that just aren’t real! Time heals not laughing at the downgrade that is his new gf!
    Yes Yinka x
    Kiki xx

  5. So true I thought not talking to my ex will make me get over him but it did not I still want to text and call him everyday….I guess I need time to heal

  6. I don’t know why I just can’t get enough of you. Maybe because you are a Nigerian or maybe because you are an intellectual-funny weird person . whichever you rock girl!

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