I have another story to tell…
I got paid a nice juicy sum of money last year for a campaign I did the year before. You know one of them ones where you wait so long for the cheque you actually forget they owe you? And this wasn’t pocket money either, this was “pay my rent for a year” kind of money… *rubs hands together*
Anyway this post isn’t me bragging about the amount of money I got that one time, it isn’t even about the perils of freelance life & the fear of dying of old age before you get whats owed to you.
This post is about something else entirely: my skin and how I am trying to be comfortable in it, while the thoughts of changing the way I look have been swimming in my head.I think I should probably tell you now that I am not really into cosmetic surgery, I mean I don’t really have anything against it, I’m not about to camp outside Harley Street; picket sign ready protesting or anything. It’s just that it really isn’t for me. As I scroll through instagram and look what what is the “norm” nowadays I actually feel sad. Sad for the women who are cutting themselves open on a quest to be more attractive, for the women who are never satisfied procedure after procedure.
I’m sad because it seems like more and more people are diving arse first into cosmetic procedures without really knowing much about them, the lack of research being done because a celeb endorses something is quite frightening.
So if this is my very strong, very loud stance can you please tell me why I, YinkDaddy, Beyonce of Peckham, first of my name; was on my phone looking through plastic surgeons trying to find the ones that made ya faves look like your faves?
I found a procedure that clears the dark circles from under your eyes and all it takes is a few teeny tiny injections. Injections. Under. Your. Eye.
I was looking at all of these impossibly curvaceous bodies, then at my bank account, then back at these bodies, then at my account thinking “lipo really is reasonably priced when you think about it”
Me: the person who screams about how much our differences make us better in blog post after blog post, the person who tries to love their body with pure vim. I was considering getting surgery.
Maybe you are reading this having had cosmetic surgery yourself thinking I am looking down on the decision; trust me I am not. I know deciding to alter yourself is HUGE. I just never thought I would ever consider it. I’m someone who has had major surgery, life saving surgery more than once and I will need to continue operations for the rest of my life just. So the thought of going “under the knife” for any reason other than to live never crossed my mind, until it was all I could think about.
I know that not everyone is like me.
Trust me I am not as dense as to think that everyone finds their Dr on their explore page & I suspect that only a small percentage of procedures are done because the patient wants to look better for other people. I don’t think that ALL people see #BodyGoals online and then feel bad about themselves but some of us do.
I do think is that the “instant” mindset is real in SOME of us and I include myself in that.
But can I reeeeally blame instagram? I seem to be able to trace a lot of my insecurities back to that place, I mean staring at people wondering HOW they manage to look so sculpted has definitely had an effect but but you know what? I think this one is on me.
I think that I have allowed myself to do exactly what I urge you guys to not do: believe the hype. Everything is so fast paced nowadays that I was actually starting to apply that to my body and a quick fix seem like the only fix. In my heart of hearts I think that obviously modified bodies look a bit odd and I really don’t think that the end result is worth the sheer agony that these procedures put you through.
I don’t need to hear that there is nothing wrong with me, I know that already but it didn’t *feel* like that and I knew that was something I had to change.
So I got a personal trainer.
This may seem like an odd decision butI no longer want to punish my body for not being “perfect” it is a waste of time and just exhausting. I have decided to try to respect my body and look after it. This isn’t a quick solution, somedays I wake up with the same negative thoughts I had way-back before I spent all that money on Ubers and wigs (lol) but I have decided that want to be stronger and find out what my body can do naturally in the hope that I’m not longer tempter to modify it.
I want to see how fit I can be and how good I can feel looking in the mirror knowing that I’ve worked hard for that reflection. Makes sense right? I am trying to love my body and I am choosing to do it the traditional, slow and steady (sometimes failing but still trying to try) way.
I don’t want to hide the dark circles (still cant believe I was considering getting injections IN MY EYE) because that is my body telling me something, I don’t want to stick the fat somewhere else (still confused as to how it stays in the butt) I want to be able to look in the mirror and look at Gods work, look at my work and smile because I am strong.
(pics by @olufemiphotography)