A story written by me, about me but hopefully you can relate
I remember a few years ago when I was sure that I hadn’t reached the peak in my career but I had no idea which way to go, I was sure that I was destined for something MORE than what I was doing but how to get there was beyond me.
I have told this story a lot, the one where the poor presenter has to work at night and host by day to get by and people always gasp where expected and applaud at the end, after-all it’s a pretty good story and even more than that it is true.
Let me paint the scene for you: I was working in a pub which was actually lovely, my bosses were great and the locals were friendly but it just wasn’t enough. At this time I was also doing the breakfast show on Rinse FM; told you, this story is IMPRESSIVE!
So yes, the grind was in working until the early hours and then sleeping on the night bus so that I could afford to pay my bills whilst trying to make money out of what was then my hobby; radio. But it wasn’t a happy time for me, I am not writing this from the balcony of my mansion, or from some exclusive beach resort. I am still the same person who wants more from life but there is one difference; I am in a much better place than before.
When I say “better” I don’t just mean my position (yes work is going well and I no longer have to moonlight) but I mean mentally as well, when I look back at that time, apart from feeling exhausted I remember feeling so unhappy and trapped. I mean it was a really long 4 years and they took their toll on me in a way that I didn’t recognise as unhealthy, but later and with hindsight I am able to see it clearly.
I remember being offended and feeling attacked if someone got a job that I thought I could do. Or if I saw people had attended a party that I wasn’t aware of. It is a crazy thought if you’ve never felt that way, you may not understand the urge to talk about people you don’t like but if you have felt this way you know how much jealousy can eat away at you. Everyone else has it so much better and when you’re not happy with yourself it is so much easier talking about other people than addressing what your actual issues are.
I feel like I have come a long way from the girl who used to scroll through instagram on the verge of tears wondering why EVERYONE ELSE was making moves apart from her. I remember spending an entire afternoon trying to find out if someone had photoshopped their pictures. So what if they did? What did it really have to do with me? Nothing. Other peoples lives have nothing to do with those of us who aren’t living it no matter how much we share online.
I could blame instagram and the “highlight reel” effect that makes us all jealous of one another but I don’t think that is totally to blame. I mean I still have instagram and I am not affected the way that I once was, thankfully.
I used to wonder why everything seemed to happen to others and then I realised that life will only start for me when I take my nose out of other peoples business and start focusing on myself; on what I can do to make myself better at my job, be a better sister or friend. On what makes me happy rather than how I look compared to others.
In case you were wondering this is not an accident, it is an active decision put into effect by spending less time online and more time in the real world with real people. Actually investing in my craft by buying decks and mixing in my spare time, writing blogs and so on. Learning to really believe in myself, like truly, actually believe that I am the Beyonce of Peckham and the things that other people achieve don’t dictate my worth, the things that other people do say nothing about me and the places that people go are truly none of my business.
My family know me as Evil Y and my friends call me a savage (they wont call me Yinkdaddy trust me I’ve been trying) don’t worry that isn’t going to stop, my banter can’t be controlled but the change in me which initially started off gradually has now snowballed and I genuinely have no interest in speaking ill of others, in relishing in their downfall or wishing bad. My interests lie in being happy and making those around me happy too.
So I will still giggle when Meek Mill falls down the stairs or drake does something cringe but I no longer need everyone else to fall just to prove I am the wickedest.. Thankfully