I was talking to my brother yesterday and he banned me from down-playing/ dismissing the things I have achieved this year, my best friend did the same; apparently I am too hard on myself lol.
But I can explain! I really want to be happy, like; from the depths of my belly to the tips of my eyelashes and I have been trying to discover how that is possible, in that comes a lot of self-reflection and I guess you see what you’re lacking:
At the beginning of the year I felt that people were scrambling, everyone else got this memo that 2018 was somehow more important than previous years. I was scrolling through instagram the other day and saw so many posts about the “next 6 months” as if somehow it all HAS to be done now, time is running out people don’t you know?’!
Is it because you are seeing more people apparently reach their goals that you’re sprinting? Where is the finish line?
I know I’ve done some wicked things this year yet it doesn’t feel like much; you get one job and then you are trying for the next. Something that was once so coveted is now irrelevant or you see someone else announcing something that is SO much bigger than what you’re doing.
But you knowwww if the world does decide to combust on Dec 31st then it will do so with us all in it. But you’ll be exhausted having spent the last 364 days chasing something that doesn’t really exist.
I’ve been thinking about this whole ‘working every God given hour’ thing and I have to say I am not into it. I’ve probably said something like “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” in the past but now I know that is stupid.
*APOLOGIES FOR THOSE TWEETS*
I will sleep tonight, tomorrow night & hopefully I’ll get to nap after my show on Saturday. Yes, you have to put yourself in positions to achieve things but NOT at the cost of your health OR happiness.
I’ve realised that I don’t find happiness online, I struggle to even see how it is possible and believe me I have tried. I accept that (in my field of work) success is partly found in the growth of your following, but I can’t find solace in the number of people watching my moves.
I find it in elsewhere:
In the friends who I elect to spend my free-time with.
The writing which I promise myself every day I will do more.
I find value in the moments around social media; in Remi stopping the car every mile to get out and dance to a tune. In Kola folding and re-folding his bandana at the dinner-table. In the fact that Albi tries to lift me up every time he hugs me and I am 99% sure that I weigh more than him!
Do you see what I mean? The moments that you forget to post? The ones you’re just living?
I used to crave everyone seeing and respecting how good I am at my job or them clicking that button which means they are now subscribed to my world and yes it does bring some but its fleeting. Once you get 1000 followers you want 5 right? Then 10k? Is 20 enough? The answer is no and thats ok, the addiction to social media is insatiable and we’ll probably never be satisfied.
But you know what they say (well I am not sure if THEY say it but I have heard this before) The fun is in the pursuit. It really isn’t a goal is it? Especially when we keep moving the posts ourselves.
You want a job, you get the job (or the followers).. And then what? There isn’t really a happily ever after but more an aim to have a ‘mostly’ happy life. Which is work in itself without adding the pressure of 2018 nearly being half way through.
Don’t expect anything to change on my socials. I’m still gonna be as sassy (like in these pics outside the BEST Nigerian shop everrrrr) but you can be assured that there won’t be a broken human behind the filter on instagram. I’m not gonna scramble and try to prove to you guys that I am as I seem online. I am actually going to invest in my true happiness, or at least continue the journey to find it. Starting with posting this blog and then meeting my mate for lunch and hopefully I am having too much fun to update you on what the food tasted like!