When people ask what I do, until recently I left the blogging part out. I would mention radio and hosting but I’d never say ‘I am a blogger’. There are loads of reasons for this; one of which is that I felt embarrassed.
Now, dont get me wrong, I am proud of my blog and think that it is a very gangster thing (in a good gangster kind of way)
So maybe ebarrassed is a strong word of the emption I used to feel, now I would shout it from the roof tops if the opportunity knocked.
My point is that I used to lack confidence in what I do (or at least what I am trying to do) and that gets, and got, me nowhere. So this post is about confidence; yes the type that allows me to shove on a £10 party wig and pose like I am Beyonce. But also a different kind of confidence, the more you read the more you will understand so enjoy!
Photos taken by @OlufemiPhotography
When I took these photos I got all dolled up, I stuck a few wigs on a POW I felt amazing. During the shoot I knew exactly how I wanted this post to look, the tone, everything. I wanted to tell the world how confident I am! I mean I’ve been working out, these wigs were a bargain and my clothes are the right kind of sassy…
Then I came back to reality.
Confidence isn’t some tangible thing that you can hold and possess, it is (for me anyway) a fleeting feeling when I get my winged eyeliner right the first time, or when clothes that I was sure were too small for fit. Yes these are trivial examples, I could, for the sake of it go deeper and confess that confidence in my eyes is like the elusive ‘happiness’ and it is a journey instead of a thing we acquire. Either way it isn’t even nearly a permanent thing.
Right now I am sitting on my bed surrounded by Depop orders I need to send out today, 12 hours deep into my day whilst surviving on 4 hours sleep (blame LHHNY) I don’t feel so good.
These photos are lush, but right now I’m not so lush, I’m thinking about the difference between the confident being in those photos and the person writing this post.
It isn’t just about having confidence in my body, it is about conviction in the mind.
To do something, anything; you have to believe in it and that is the type of confidence I am harping on about.
We live in an age of ideas and more importantly we live in an age where you can literally think up your own success.
But with that possibility comes pressure and the ever present fear of failure, doubt is my biggest weakness.
There are many reasons doubt is something I have fought with, but in order to explain i’ll have to tell you a story:
I want to do something so I tell people what I want to do, I either fail at this thing or it doesn’t go to plan. I now have to tell the people who I had originally told the idea the horrible news of my failure and then my good old friend Embarrassment comes to visit for a week and doesn’t leave, drinking all the milk and never washing up his dishes.
Do you see what I mean? It isn’t the fact that I told people and I failed, no, it’s the embarrassment of not succeeding that can stop you from even trying.
I put it to you that it is better to try and be amazing than not do anything at all. It is better to fail at the things you love than succeed in nothing. It is better to flaunt it while you feel it and revel in moments than to enjoy nothing.
I know we are in the middle of April and this is no time for resolutions. But hear (or read rather) this! This year you will see me fail more times than ever before, and you will see me get up and continue. Because that is how you become great. Try it with me?
As always I was feeling myself just that teeny bit too much! So have a look at the excess photos (:
Brands are tagged and check out Olufemi Photography on Instagram
Bra: Ann Summers
Shirt: £1 vintage
Until next time! (: x